all the crying

Hi y'all! There's no easy spin on this...I'm still in therapy. It's a REALLY good thing. I love it more and more each time I go. With any kind of happiness comes responsibility and work. Oh my God, the WORK. I've been talking to my therapist about understanding myself a little better. In other words, I am trying to figure out who I am really am, and the kind of person I want to be. FOR ME.

Judy says (Oh, my therapists name is Judy, by the way) that every big thing is comprised of many, many little things. A relatively simple thing at first but when you are thinking in terms of who you are, it's kind of complex really. Anyway, tonight, I was thinking about myself and the tiniest things that make me...well, me. I thought of a few and since this blog is a place that I frequent on a fairly regular basis, I thought I would keep a running list here. When I can't remember who I am, I will know where to look.

* I cry in Military situations. I mean all of them. Any sign of bravery or valiance, courage or patriotism and I weep. I hear the National Anthem, see the American flag blowing in the breeze, or even those sappy shows that show the soldier coming home from Iraq to surprise his family. It's all waterworks. I think it's the sense of pride that wells up inside of me, and then I am quite overcome. I guess I am very proud of our service men and women.

*I really am a southern girl. I like ice tea and football on fall Saturdays. I can shout at a coach (or the TV) about a bad call on fourth and long with the best of the men in my family and many of my girlfriends can do the same thing. I like to go hunting, even if I'm not shooting the gun and waiting to capture the perfect sunrise with my camera. I chased lightening bugs as a little kid and put them in mason jar with holes poked in the lid. I know when to say 'Yes Ma'am' and Thank You, and I know how to cross my legs without making them go numb. I have a mouth like a sailor, and know when it's time to shut the hell up. Rides in a truck on a sunny afternoon with the windows rolled down make me smile. Amazing Grace always makes me cry. I'm Southern and I like that.

*I really love animals. I can appreciate most insects, even- as long as they are at a safe distance. If you have read this blog with any regularity, you know how much I love my dogs. (And any other person's dog, for that matter.) I'm allergic to cats, so I'm not as fond of them as some people might be, but no one- not even me, can deny how cute kittens are. Even the critters of the animal kingdom I don't like have a beauty that can be appreciated. Over the fourth of July while camping, I had to pee. I was headed back to the latrine when I felt something stick to my arm. I had very nearly walked into a very large spider web. Goosebumps on my arms, I very gingerly backed away. I took out my sure fire and aimed. Just above the high beam of the light sat a spider. Her web was very simple. She was carefully wrapping a small moth that had the bad luck of flying into her strings. I sat there for a moment, taking it in, shivered and went to retrieve my friend Jackson, who likes spiders. He told me a lot about her, which I appreciated and then we left her alone. (I found a new place to pee.) Really, the only animals I don't appreciate are ticks and mosquitoes. I know they have purpose too, spreading disease and all, but I just have no use for them, myself. My love for animals is very healthy. A part of myself that I could develop more. I like that.

That's all for now.... Hopefully, there will be more to come. Slowly, as I work on it...but surely.

*Foolish Games- Jewel

Judgey

I woke up this morning with purpose. I made a phone call, and was seriously derailed from my sunny outlook. So, I got on facebook looking for some cheerful post to make me realize that I was feeling a bit sorry for myself and to get my ass up and going. You know, enjoy life. I ran across a post from a girl I am not really friends with, talking about how she is pregnant. Again. With like, her fifth or something. This was the point I started judging... and for what?

You know, sometimes a person just gets all they can take before blowing up. Reading this, you are probably judging me...thinking.. what the EFF does she have to moan and groan about? Well, I'll tell you. The person I called first thing this morning actually called me last night looking for help. When I called her back today, I had some great news for her and then she blew me off. It's incredibly frustrating to try an help someone who won't help themselves. SO, I judged.

Then, I judged someone for being pregnant, (I am awesome.) which is lowest of the low..and only because I am ready to have kids, had a bad morning, and somehow decided that She shouldn't have 5 kids before I can have one. To you, sort-of-friend-from-facebook, I apologize. I know that was wrong, and I wish you nothing but happiness.

Do you judge? Are you more likely to do it when you are upset or angry? I know I am. So, I got it off my chest and now I am off to clean the house because Lord knows, if anyone walked in here right now, they would judge me in a heartbeat. And I would care. Just a little.

*Come Together- Aerosmith

what love looks like

I am just so BLESSED. This guy makes me so happy, I could sing. But I won't.

You so wouldn't like it. He gets it though.

Love my man!

*Be My Baby- The Ronettes 

July Babies

July is a BUSY month for Mark and I in the way of birthdays and this year we added one to the list!

July 9th was baby Marley's FIRST birthday!

This Saturday, my grandmother celebrates her 89th Birthday!

On Tuesday, Mark's Grannie celebrates her 90th birthday!

Next Friday, Holly celebrates her 28th birthday!

After that, August Birthdays start.... : )

I was just thinking of all of these people, and wanted to give them a shout out. : )

Many Happy Returns!

*Margaritaville- Jimmy Buffett

this one is for the birds

Somehow, I have taken an active interest in birdwatching over the past year. I credit this interest to all the hunting I did last year. Watching the skies for signs of duck and goose for hours on end will do that, I suppose. My interest for watching birds at home started rather innocently. As a wedding gift, my Aunt from my dads side bought us this beautiful glass bird feeder that I never really bothered to keep full.  Apparently, times are changing. See: little old lady syndrome. At the beginning of spring, I

decided it was pertinent that we feed the wildlife around us. So we bought a new feeder and took the pretty one out onto the back deck and mounted it so we could watch a little more closely. The food we bought must be good because It attracts cardinals, blue jays, doves, robins, chickadees and a variety of wrens and birds I couldn't identify. The cardinals are the most prevalent and there is one in particular I have taken to calling Bully.

Do you see him there on the feeder? He doesn't look it from here that far away, but he is HUGE. When he eats, no other birds are allowed to eat. He even runs the blue jays off and that is saying something because those guys are mean! I so wish I had a better zoom lens, because up close, he is really beautiful. Though he isn't solid red, (which makes me think he may be a juvenile) he has this mottled look to his feathers that is really beautiful. That and he is very funny to watch. Once Bully flies in to eat, the doves form a row on top of the roof and wait for him to leave. (Our doves are so fat, you could get some serious meat off of them.) The wrens are little, but they are brave. They like to swoop in and grab a bite, then dive off. They don't plan on staying when they come in- not that Bully would let them, anyway. The squirrels have also found the feeder. It's a shame I didn't have the camera on me at the time, but Saturday morning Mark called me into the kitchen to look at the feeder. There was a squirrel hanging from the bottom of it, trying desperately to get a few morsels. It's easily a 10 foot drop to the ground from that feeder. The squirrels are brave little soldiers, though.

It seems that I am not the only person in the house who has taken an interest in the bird/squirrel watching. Ryan likes to take his little chair into the bathroom and watch from there. Somehow, I lost the picture proof, but I am sure to have other opportunities to catch him in action. : )

The birds and squirrels aren't the only wildlife teeming around here... yesterday while plating some flowers, I caught this little guy trying to hide in one of the vines I was weeding...

Isn't he lovely? I will say he scared the crap out of me at first. For starters, his tail was hidden from sight and my first thought was, "Shit! A snake!" Upon further inspection, (and a few prods with a twig) I discovered his tail (salamander?) and then his feet, which are admittedly very hard to see because they are black (OK, a lizard of SOME variety) and blend with the soil. I'm guessing this are some sort of defense mechanisms, but what kind I am not sure. : ) Maybe he is supposed to look like a snake... makes him seem more dangerous? I'm not sure, but he is awfully pretty.

Happy Tuesday to you all... : )

*Pawn Shop- Sublime



the importance of loving yourself

I always seem to involve myself a little too extensively in other peoples problems. In turn, I always wear myself out and either get physically sick or emotionally sick, which in all reality is much harder to cure. It's really easy to get angry with people when you think about how easy their problems would be to solve if they would just DO exactly what you tell them to. Sadly, life isn't that easy. That's why therapy is hard. You have to work at solving your problems. Sometimes you feel selfish for just working on yourself instead of trying to rescue other folks from what you clearly see to be certain doom. The point is, you can live your life and be happy if you are too busy trying to live someone elses just to make them OK. For me, this seems to be the hardest lesson of all... I've been reading and rereading this quote over the last few days...

"No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change."

Profound, yet so simple. bringing it to mind helps so much...if I can remember to do it.

it should be illegal to be this cute

Baby Love. Aw.

Really. I mean, seriously!