Friday, March 13, 2009

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

Neil Sedaka had it right. Breaking up is hard to do.

Have you ever been in a relationship with a friend where you just weren't on the receiving end of that friendship in a really long time? You'd been there for that person for one reason or another, over and over again, but never really got anything in return? This is my status at the present. A person who I have thought of as more than just a friend, like family, really, has put me in this situation.

I think I may have to break up with him. I've put a lot of thought into this. I've asked myself how much does this person mean to me and is the thought of losing him as part of my life really so terrible? I have to say, it's still a little unclear to me at this point. When I think about all the good times we've had versus the bad, it's pretty equal. I have been watching him spiral down further and further. I have made my want to help him apparent, we've discussed it time and time again, but nothing has changed. Well, maybe that's not true. I think things have gotten progressively worse for him in the past year especially. What to do? If a person doesn't want to help themselves, you can't make them. Do you let the part of yourself that is connected to that person suffer as well? And how much suffering is too much suffering?

The part that I keep grappling with is that this person was THERE for me when my dad died. He was present in my home for weeks afterward, watching over me while Mark was at work. He was the best thing I could have asked for -aside from Mark, in the weeks that followed my fathers' death. Silent most of the time, but always willing to talk at the most inopportune moments- like at 3AM when I just needed to cry. I suppose I am just feeling guilty about toying with the thought of cutting him out when he was the one who encouraged me so much in a time that I need it the most. Which brings me to my next point. He was GOOD to me in that period of time, but I allowed it and let the goodness in. What if I am not the person he is going to let in to help him, no matter how much I would like to be? Not that this bothers me at all. I just want him to be that person again. The one I KNEW. I don;'t know this person or how to help him. He builds his wall up faster than I can take the bricks down. I don't want to be forced to break up with someone I consider family and that's what this feels like.

Any advice? I'm all ears.

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