Sitting down to write this entry is a lot harder than I thought it would be. If you had asked me when I was 15 where I would be when I turned 30, the answer probably would have been similar to this: Married with 2 kids, teaching school, white picket fence, etc. If you had asked me the same question when I was 20, I would probably responded with: Married, kids, doing my part in making the world a better place, settling down. If you had asked me the same question a mere 5 years ago, I still wouldn't have the right answer. Predicting the future for ones self is tough. There is no glass orb into which we can look and decide if the direction our life is going is the path we want to stay on; or even like. In 2 hours and some change I turn 30. Am I where I thought I would be? No. Do I like where I am? I do.
The one thing I got right was marriage. I'm very lucky in the sense that I seem to have found the one person in the world that I can't (or wouldn't want) to live without. Mark is right for me in all of the ways that matter most. I believe God picked him especially for me and I am so thankful for that. The kid department is where I missed. I really want to have children, and soon. You know, when I was about 10 I told people I didn't want to have kids. It wasn't until about five years later that I considered having any. Now, I can't think of anything I would like more than to expand my family. It's funny how our priorities and wants change as we get older, isn't it? As far as a profession goes, I still really don't know what I want to do. It's hard to grasp that maybe I'm not meant to be anything wildly impressive. Those are bonds that are tough to shake, because as a child, I was told I would go to college, and become a teacher, or a lawyer or a doctor. Missed there, too, but I am ever so slowly beginning to realize it's not about what you do or have, it's who and what you are. The idea sounds simple, but it's actually much, much harder to grasp. I don't think I'm settling, I just think I am realizing finally that I can do whatever it is that I want. I just don't know yet what that is... but I think I'll get there. On the world, I can think of so many lessons I have learned and things I've seen that might make the world a better place. The thing is, I think until everyone gets it, that might be a bigger hunk to chew on than I am seriously capable of. I think I'll just go on trying to recycle, trying to be a good person and trying to see the good in people.
I have settled down. A lot. I used to think of myself as a wild horse, unable to be broken, and in some ways, I still am. I just don't drink like a fish anymore, hop into some random guys van to go hear a concert or be quite as naieve as I used to be, but I still love to dress quirky, sing loudly in the car and rescue animals off of the side of the road. All good things, I think. Less spontaneous, but more wise. Wisdom seems to be a gift we are given gradually. Which tends to suck from time to time, but usually we learn the secrets we need along the way.
As for the future, like I said before, I have no idea where I will be in another 10 years. Which is exciting now, instead of scary- there's some wisdom! What I would like to see is a few kids, some adventure, many good laughs, a hobby I feel talented at and Love. Ooodles and Oooodles of Love. I think I'm on the right track and if I don't get too scared this might just be the best ride I've ever been on. 30 feels pretty damn good, and technically, I'm just trying it on. I still have another 2 hours and 15 minutes to be 29. The last hours of my twenties have been pretty sweet. I'm looking forward to things unknown and although the unknown can be scary, my biggest hope for my self is to just embrace it. To live in each moment and try hard, so hard not to constantly look for bigger and better things...because sometimes the best gift is the present. And I have an awesome partner in crime to share it with....